The Gospel According To...

You Might Not Be A Republican If…

Leftneck Jesus

After watching the republican presidential debates, and now with the caucuses and primaries, I cannot help but wonder why anybody but rich white males would support the Republican Party. I have compiled a list of my favorite examples of this right-wing Stockholm Syndrome. You might not be a republican if…

You are Poor. Republicans love to use fear to scare poor republicans into voting for right-wing social issues, and against their own economic interests. In 2004 poor republicans in Ohia could not wait to vote against a state constitutional amendment banning same-sex marriage. Their turnout allowed Bush to win Ohia and four more years of economic destruction. A lot of those poor republicans lost the jobs that they did have, but at least the gays could not marry.

You are Black. Like I have said before, racism is still part of the republican platform. The southern strategy, the code words, and the constant refrain of, “take the country back,” should nullify any conservative notions you have. If you have experienced racism in your life, it was most likely by a republican voter.

You are in a Union. It does not matter if you are a plumber, or a pipefitter, or a police officer, or a firefighter, you better recognize that republicans are coming after your cushy wages and benefits. I know you thought it was okay when they were just picking on the teachers union because they are liberals, and you think you are a republican. You are not.

You are a Female. I love when I hear a conservative female say that she wants to go back to the good old days. I always want to respond that she could start by going back to the kitchen and cooking her husband some food. Republicans support every disparity between men and women, from wages and health, to their place and roll in society and culture.

You are Young. I mean really? How are you going to be a republican if you are under like 30? You should be questioning authority and embracing diversity…two things that republicans hate the most. If you are a young conservative just imagine what kind of asshole you are going to be by the time you are an older conservative.

You are a Christian. I know you vote republican because you consider yourself prolife. The problem is that the republican definition of prolife seems to begin at conception and end at birth. During the debates we heard republican audiences cheer executions and the terrible history of the death penalty in Texas, and chastise a hypothetical 30-year-old dying without health insurance. Those audience members are the same Christians who supported the preemptive war in Iraq. If that is what you mean by a prolife Christian, I must be neither.

You are a Catholic. I think I should mention Catholics in specific because a lot of the republican fundamentalist base does not even think Catholics are Christians. And I’m not just talking about the hollers (hollows) in the south. I had some redneck in a graduate level lecture try to tell me Catholics were not real Christians. Also see above.

You are a Mormon. Not only see above, but in your case I would say that even the Catholics do not think you are real Christians. Christians might ask you the same question that Atheists ask Christians, “You really believe that crazy stuff?”

You are a Muslim. I’m not going to waste a lot of time here because I’m not sure how any Muslim could stomach the GOP. The republicans keep talking about a war on religion, but ironically they do not believe it is directed towards you. Although, as I have pointed out before, the right wing intolerant Muslim should be very comfortable with the right wing intolerant republican.

You are Jewish. Even the right-wing republican supporters of Israel are doing it for their own selfish reasons. CUNI (Christians United for Israel) see the rebirth of Israel as a prelude to the second coming of Christ. So they basically support Israel because the state of Israel is needed for their end of times plan. Somebody should probably tell them that I am already back…

You are Gay. I mean Log Cabin Republicans, really? Seriously, you might be the group with the biggest case of Stockholm Syndrome. What is it that attracts you to the right, their constant belittling of gays and lesbians or their war to prevent equal rights from your community? Either way, being republican is so not gay.

You are a Public School Teacher. Republicans hate secular public schools because they pay to send their children to private Christian schools. The attacks you see by republicans in Wisconsin and Ohia, and frankly wherever a republican governor can rush through similar legislation, are just the beginning. They think teachers should be employed by the church, and should be paid minimum wage. I would really like to hear a republican teacher in Wisconsin or Ohia justify the republican assault on their profession. Something like, “I do make too much money and my benefits are outrageous…”

You are an Intellectual. Republicans are against knowledge, science, and even reality itself. Just like with racism, if you associate with stupid people, then people will assume that you are stupid. I do.

You are an Environmentalist. In this case, I’m not just talking about tree huggers, but also people who like to fish, hunt, and enjoy the outdoors. Keep voting republican and you will not have a forest left to hunt or a lake that is not polluted beyond repair.

You are Hispanic. When republicans say illegals, they are talking about you. When they say immigration or immigrants, they are talking about you. When they say learn and speak English, they are talking about you. And when they talk about building a 10, or 20, or 30, or even a 50-foot wall to keep you out, they are most certainly talking about you.

You are Mitt Romney. I mean take a hint for the love of Pete. Republicans just do not like you. They have given every crackpot with an “R” behind their name a chance just because they were not you. At this very moment, conservatives are even trying to draft Jeb Bush to accept the nomination at the convention. Think about that for a second. Republicans would rather take their chances on another Bush than on you.

Peace be with you,

Leftneck Jesus

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9 Comments

  1. Kate elAltieri says:

    I think you forgot…
    Old / aging
    “middle income”
    uninsured
    unemployed
    underemployed
    atheist
    agnostic
    homeless
    mentally ill
    disabled
    a social worker
    an immigrant

    I’m sure we can think of more …

    unfortunately, all of the above are not aware that they may not be republican or that Mitt will make it worse…

    • HAHAHA! Exactly! The list goes on…

      • Brenda Jones says:

        I am qualified for MOST of these. Even down to Social Work, I do or have fit all except immigrant at one time or another. Now old/ aging, disabled, and completely uninsured, I am firmly in the corner of a recipient of sincere disdain from right wing nuts. My evangelical right wing white self-righteous in laws lead the pack, and George and Laura are on their refrigerator to taunt my husband and me.

  2. Ezekizzle says:

    Well said my brother . . . I mean father. Best one yet IMO.

  3. Wcecce says:

    This is perfect. The only problem is that those who desperately need to read it most likely will not.

  4. sara says:

    Good stuff!

  5. [...] You Might Not Be A Republican If… | JesusisNOTaRepublican. [...]

  6. Richard says:

    Keep going. I’ve always said myself the three legs of the Republican party are ignorance, greed and racism.
    The entire republican platform down to it’s every fiber is against the bible (I’ve offered to go through this with pastors and bible school graduates and they all back down).
    The pro-life thing is a farce. An excuse for their hate. That is all the party exists for now. They don’t care about facts, will take both sides of an issue, doesn’t matter, they just know they hate minorities and liberals. If anyone doubts just listen. The few Christians that are pro-life are just ignorant of the facts and we need to get that to them in a loving way somehow (suggestions?) because making it illegal won’t end it (which is what they seem to think) and the republicans opposes all the programs that have been shown to slow the demand for abortion: head-start programs, jobs, funding for higher education, after school programs for kids, etc. They also don’t seem to be bothered when a baby is blown up by our bombs and blithely support the wars.
    I’m really starting to think there is something in our food that is making people dumb.

  7. JCHimself says:

    How can you tell me which political party i belong to. I am a libertarian. what what

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