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Leftneck Jesus

You Might Not Be A Republican If…

After watching the republican presidential debates, and now with the caucuses and primaries, I cannot help but wonder why anybody but rich white males would support the Republican Party. I have compiled a list of my favorite examples of this right-wing Stockholm Syndrome. You might not be a republican if…

You are Poor. Republicans love to use fear to scare poor republicans into voting for right-wing social issues, and against their own economic interests. In 2004 poor republicans in Ohia could not wait to vote against a state constitutional amendment banning same-sex marriage. Their turnout allowed Bush to win Ohia and four more years of economic destruction. A lot of those poor republicans lost the jobs that they did have, but at least the gays could not marry.

You are Black. Like I have said before, racism is still part of the republican platform. The southern strategy, the code words, and the constant refrain of, “take the country back,” should nullify any conservative notions you have. If you have experienced racism in your life, it was most likely by a republican voter.

You are in a Union. It does not matter if you are a plumber, or a pipefitter, or a police officer, or a firefighter, you better recognize that republicans are coming after your cushy wages and benefits. I know you thought it was okay when they were just picking on the teachers union because they are liberals, and you think you are a republican. You are not.

You are a Female. I love when I hear a conservative female say that she wants to go back to the good old days. I always want to respond that she could start by going back to the kitchen and cooking her husband some food. Republicans support every disparity between men and women, from wages and health, to their place and roll in society and culture.

You are Young. I mean really? How are you going to be a republican if you are under like 30? You should be questioning authority and embracing diversity…two things that republicans hate the most. If you are a young conservative just imagine what kind of asshole you are going to be by the time you are an older conservative.

You are a Christian. I know you vote republican because you consider yourself prolife. The problem is that the republican definition of prolife seems to begin at conception and end at birth. During the debates we heard republican audiences cheer executions and the terrible history of the death penalty in Texas, and chastise a hypothetical 30-year-old dying without health insurance. Those audience members are the same Christians who supported the preemptive war in Iraq. If that is what you mean by a prolife Christian, I must be neither.

You are a Catholic. I think I should mention Catholics in specific because a lot of the republican fundamentalist base does not even think Catholics are Christians. And I’m not just talking about the hollers (hollows) in the south. I had some redneck in a graduate level lecture try to tell me Catholics were not real Christians. Also see above.

You are a Mormon. Not only see above, but in your case I would say that even the Catholics do not think you are real Christians. Christians might ask you the same question that Atheists ask Christians, “You really believe that crazy stuff?”

You are a Muslim. I’m not going to waste a lot of time here because I’m not sure how any Muslim could stomach the GOP. The republicans keep talking about a war on religion, but ironically they do not believe it is directed towards you. Although, as I have pointed out before, the right wing intolerant Muslim should be very comfortable with the right wing intolerant republican.

You are Jewish. Even the right-wing republican supporters of Israel are doing it for their own selfish reasons. CUNI (Christians United for Israel) see the rebirth of Israel as a prelude to the second coming of Christ. So they basically support Israel because the state of Israel is needed for their end of times plan. Somebody should probably tell them that I am already back…

You are Gay. I mean Log Cabin Republicans, really? Seriously, you might be the group with the biggest case of Stockholm Syndrome. What is it that attracts you to the right, their constant belittling of gays and lesbians or their war to prevent equal rights from your community? Either way, being republican is so not gay.

You are a Public School Teacher. Republicans hate secular public schools because they pay to send their children to private Christian schools. The attacks you see by republicans in Wisconsin and Ohia, and frankly wherever a republican governor can rush through similar legislation, are just the beginning. They think teachers should be employed by the church, and should be paid minimum wage. I would really like to hear a republican teacher in Wisconsin or Ohia justify the republican assault on their profession. Something like, “I do make too much money and my benefits are outrageous…”

You are an Intellectual. Republicans are against knowledge, science, and even reality itself. Just like with racism, if you associate with stupid people, then people will assume that you are stupid. I do.

You are an Environmentalist. In this case, I’m not just talking about tree huggers, but also people who like to fish, hunt, and enjoy the outdoors. Keep voting republican and you will not have a forest left to hunt or a lake that is not polluted beyond repair.

You are Hispanic. When republicans say illegals, they are talking about you. When they say immigration or immigrants, they are talking about you. When they say learn and speak English, they are talking about you. And when they talk about building a 10, or 20, or 30, or even a 50-foot wall to keep you out, they are most certainly talking about you.

You are Mitt Romney. I mean take a hint for the love of Pete. Republicans just do not like you. They have given every crackpot with an “R” behind their name a chance just because they were not you. At this very moment, conservatives are even trying to draft Jeb Bush to accept the nomination at the convention. Think about that for a second. Republicans would rather take their chances on another Bush than on you.

Peace be with you,

Leftneck Jesus

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Leftneck Jesus

Why Do Right Wing Conservative Christians Hate Right Wing Conservative Muslims?

For as long as I can remember, I have been a liberal. My core beliefs and values have not changed, from my days back in Nazareth 2000 years ago, to my resurrection as a leftneck in the 1970’s. So you might say that I have what the conservatives like to call a liberal bias. I admit it. I’m a lefty, a socialist, a communist, etc. My liberal beliefs are not constrained by borders, race, religion, or really anything at all. I think that is one of the main distinctions between liberals and conservatives; the liberal philosophy is universal, whereas the conservative attitude is self-serving, hypocritical, and ultimately changes according to borders, race, religion, and which political party is in control.

I support the liberal left throughout the world. If I still lived in Israel I would be protesting the settlements and pushing for human rights for the Palestinians. Even if I were so unfortunate as to have to live in Gaza- I would endorse peace and recognize the Jewish State of Israel. I believe my daughters deserve the same justice, education, and quality of life as any man, and would believe so if I lived in the darkest cave in Afghanistan! I agree with the anti-war left in Europe, the social left in Canada, the Liberal Democratic Party of Iran has my vote, and so does every other liberal party or movement in the world. Let us contrast my worldwide liberalism with the situation specific conservatism.

I think we should start with the thing that conservatives value most…money. The conservatives (i.e. republicans) are the party of the rich. They believe that the rich worked hard and deserve everything they have, but they constantly single out wealthy liberals (i.e. democrats) as being elitist and out of touch. In 2004 it was particularly interesting to hear an Andover prepped, Yale undergrad, Harvard Business School M.B.A., and son of a former president talk about John Kerry as being elitist. Kerry and Bush had similar backgrounds but Bush pursued policies to keep the wealth and power at the top while Kerry tried to repeal a tax cut that was very beneficial to him and his family. And speaking of his family, it was hilarious to watch conservatives attack Teresa Heinz Kerry for being rich and out of touch.  It was hilarious of course because she was the widow of former U.S. Senator H. John Heinz III (R-Pennsylvania) and she said, “those very same people never criticized my late husband for his money and his wealth…in fact they used it.”

Conservatives love free market capitalism. They suggest that the government should get out of business and let the market decide everything. Well, not quite everything. See, the conservatives are against capitalism when it is something they find immoral (Socialists!). They do not accept Larry Flynt as an American entrepreneur of the sex industry, even though he was supplying something with incredible demand. They might not accept him but they sure like to indulge in his products when they think nobody is looking…let me tell you. And what about the drug dealers? They are the hardest-core capitalists one could meet, but the conservatives want to lock them up for supplying a demand? I have a funny story about the perfect cross section of this reality. So when I was younger I knew this kid who did and sold every drug he could get his hands on, but he considered himself a conservative. He loved to listen to Rush and he thought Reagan was the best and Clinton the worst. I tried to tell him that conservatives wanted to cut off his mullet and send him to jail, but he had this crazy notion that he was a capitalist and therefor a conservative.

Religion might just be the best (worst?) example of the self-serving nature of conservatives. I think it is rather amusing that right-wing-conservative-Christians are the biggest haters of the Taliban and the Islamic Republic of Iran, aka the Islamic Right. Amusing because conservatives actually want their style of government in the United States…just with their religion of course. Conservatives want prayer in the classroom and in the courts. Conservatives want their wives to be subservient and at home. Conservatives believe that I am the Son of God and that all non-believers are destined to hell. Conservatives are religious hypocrites about violence, war, and killing just like right-wing-conservative-Muslims. So why do right wing conservative-Christians hate right-wing-conservative-Muslims?

Conservatives love to wave the flag, but they become traitriots as soon as a democrat is elected. Supporting the government was patriotic when King Dubya was destroying the Constitution (ask the Dixie Chicks), but the government is Big Brother now that Obama is president. Remember when Chicago was in the running for the Olympics and the flag-wavers were literally cheering against the US because Obama is from Chicago?

 

Could you imagine the conservative outrage if this were a group of liberal bloggers cheering against Texas? They would have had them locked up and tried for treason. I hate republicans with the best of them, but I still have love and respect for my country-even when they are in charge. Liberals and democrats gave Bush a chance after we were attacked on September 11th, on HIS watch, but conservatives would be quick to blame any attack during the Obama administration on democrats being pussies.

And speaking of Osama bin Laden, how did you like the muted response of the traitriot conservatives when president Obama ordered the double tap on OBL? Could you imagine if Dubya or any republican president had made such a courageous call?  Conservatives would have held mandatory recitals of The Pledge of Allegiance for the entire country.  They would have made every male wear red, white, and blue from head to toe with star-spangled-banana-hammocks in between.

Instead of jubilation they were like ho-hum, nothing to see here. They downplayed the role of the administration in the operation while giving credit to everyone from Horace Smith and Daniel Wesson, to George W. “I truly am not that concerned about him” Bush and Dick Cheney. They say that the military made the call, not Obama, and they say that anybody would have made the same call. If only we had a way to see what John McCain would have done if he were elected…

As usual I could write for days about all of the conservative hypocrisy, but I will just mention two other areas since they are currently in the news and being debated by congress. The first is war. Conservatives love war. They would support a republican administration if they wanted to go to war with Mexico or Canada, but they cannot support president Obama’s decision to use American forces in a NATO mission. Now I am against war and not particularly pleased with the decision to send our troops to Libya…because if we send them there then why not Bahrain or Syria as well? But that is me and I am a liberal-not a war mongering conservative. The same group of republicans, who gave the Bush administration carte blanche on war, does not think a democratic president has the same authority.

And last but not least I have to mention the deficit. For years republicans have been fond of saying that deficits don’t matter (“Reagan taught us that”). What they really meant to say was that deficits don’t matter when republicans are in charge. See, deficits caused by tax cuts and the unpaid wars are okay, but deficits under democratic leadership are disastrous. The conservatives are now trying to use the deficits created by Bush and the republicans as reason to roll back social programs instead of rolling back the tax cuts. Like the Apostle Ezekizzle said, conservatives are sickening but brilliant!

Peace be with you,

Leftneck Jesus

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Leftneck Jesus

Republicans Continue To Crucify

So on the observation of my crucifixion, I would like to take a few moments to reflect on the irony of republicans, who worship me, but continue to crucify the people emulating my teachings. It just feels like they are the type who read the cliff notes but not the book. They go to church because it is the right or smart thing to do in the United States, like buying a Toyota or a Honda, not for my bleeding-heart liberal ideas. They only show up on holy days and leave right after Communion (if it is celebrated).

They pray to me for high profit margins, wealth, and power. Tight little mullet-headed preachers have convinced their sheeple that the prosperity gospel is somehow Christian. It is not! I do not care about your profit margin. I only care about your business if you are providing well paying jobs with benefits and rights. I do not want you to be rich, again-have you ever read the Bible (Matthew 19:24 & 6:24, Timothy 6:10)?

The republicans oppose me in the current debates in the congress and in the country. I’m to the left of universal healthcare. I’m still upset with President Obama for not pushing through a single payer program when democrats had control. I mean, if the Tea-Necks are going to call you a socialist, regardless of the law, you might as well get something in the deal. And just a note of warning to the Tea-Necks…do not waste your time praying to me if you get sick. You will have better luck praying to the republican leadership for some of their plush, socialistic, government healthcare.

I want cuts to defense spending and weapons systems not education and teachers. I want gays and lesbians to be able to get married and divorced…just like republicans. I want the top 1% to pay 50% in taxes…at least. I want my religion taught and observed in churches or homes not in schools or courtrooms. I want my beautiful mothers, wives, and daughters to have the same opportunities, the same pay, and the same dignity. I want the liberals, longhairs, and hippies to follow me not these conservative chode-ass republicans.

Peace be with you,

Leftneck Jesus

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Leftneck Jesus

And Then There Was Leftneck…

So if you are reading this, then you are one of the chosen few here on earth, or at least the United States. If you believe in signs from God (Dad) or that sort of thing, then this is definitely one of those moments. Yes, I have a website – big deal. I had to do it because people do not read much of anything these days, let alone The Bible. I mean look at you… when was the last time you read your Bible? Do you even own a Bible? Have you ever read The Bible? Exactly! It seems that the lack of reading has contributed to my followers somehow confusing me and my beliefs with somebody else.

Therefore I have come to spread the truth and try to respond to all of my phony worshippers. This will be a colossal mission because Satan has infiltrated my supporters with greed, power, and a false reality. To help me monitor and respond to the onslaught of ignorance I have my Apostles. They have proven their allegiance and commitment to the cause without explicitly knowing who I really was. I have been living as a leftneck in the Midwest for the last 30 years, screaming just to be heard. The Apostles were the ones who finally listened… thank you!

Please stay tuned for my blog and the blogs of my Apostles. We will keep Satan in check by exposing his grip on conservative politics, the Federal Reserve, oil, currency, and war. Please check out (and “like”) me on Facebook and follow me on Twitter.

Offer unto me your contact info if you would like to participate, be part of our street team, donate, or just politic.

Thank you for taking the time to visit my website and please come back soon. Dad bless you.

Peace be with you.

Leftneck Jesus